A Guide to Apple Watch Etiquette: How Not to Be a Watchbag

Today is the long-awaited premiere of the Apple Watch. After what seems like an eternity of rumors, everyone with at least $350 can own the fabled gadget. But with this ownership comes responsibility. Responsibility to not be an annoying jerk, or—as I’ve deemed it—a Watchbag. I’m here to show you how.

I should first note that owning an Apple Watch will not make you a bad person. It’s easy to be seduced by the soothing nothings emanating from minimalist hypnotist Jony Ive after all these years. Or maybe you are just really, really, really rich. Better to spend money on an interesting piece of technology than a really expensive entrée. 

Whatever the reason, you can still avoid being hated by your family and friends if you follow these basic rules. Remember: All you have to lose is the respect and adoration of the most important people of in your life. 

Rule 1: Showing it off

(Via Business Insider)

You will be undoubtedly stoked as soon as you shackle this Apple product on to your wrist. But it is important that you keep this excitement to yourself. After all, you are, in essence, strapping a less-functional $350 version of your phone to your arm just for the hell of it. You must refrain from mentioning your purchase in conversation or—even worse—limply holding out your wrist until someone notices it.

If your conversation partner nevertheless vocalizes interest in the Watch, you are permitted to demonstrate a maximum of your two favorite features. If at any point this demonstration exceeds the length of 5 minutes, and your companion’s eyes have glazed over, turn the screen off and continue the conversation.

Rule 2: Public use

Your watch is equipped with several-voice related functions, including the capability to make and receive phone calls, and to dictate commands to Siri. This does not give you license to scream at your wrist in a crowded subway car, a bathroom stall, or while at a gathering of friends or family. The act of talking to your arm looks sort of crazy, draws unnecessary attention, and could develop the same wearable social stigmas that doomed the fading Glassholes of yore. 

While we all occasionally need to take a phone call in a crowded location, there is no necessity in awkwardly using your wrist to search for a nearby Thai place or talk to your Aunt Kathy. That is why you bought a smartphone.

Rule 3: Sharing information

(Via AFP)

In a similar vein, you should not force anyone to look at something on your Watch if you can easily view it on a larger screen on your phone. Why? First of all, it’s kind of a jerk move to shove your arm in someone’s face and hold it their face while they squint to see whatever teeny Instagram photo Beyoncé just posted. But more important: the screen on your iPhone is inherently larger, and can be more easily moved and angled for group watching. Any insistence to use your Apple Watch for viewing over your smartphone will reveal that you actually just want to show off your pricey new toy at the expense of other people’s discomfort. Don’t be the Watchbag that does that.

In sum, this means no photos, Instagrams, Facebook, text messages, or maps. I repeat: no maps.

Rule 4: Forbidden places

The Apple Watch comes with an accompanying iPhone app that allows you to update its settings in real time over Bluetooth. If you’re into being a courteous human being, this is a function you should be sure to use often, muting your notifications (or limiting them to the Watch’s subtle taps that nobody else can hear) depending on your circumstances. Some of these include:

• Movie theaters
• Intimate get-togethers
• Family gatherings such as weddings etc.
• Anytime you’re giving a presentation

You should not, under any circumstances, wear your Apple Watch …

• On a first date
• At a funeral
• In a job interview
• During sex
• While being knighted by the Queen.

Rule 5: Taking photos

The Apple Watch functions as a remote screen for your iPhone’s camera. So, ostensibly, you could prop up your phone somewhere and covertly spy on/take clandestine photos of people. That’s exactly the type of creepy thing a Glasshole would do. Please don’t. 

That concludes my short but necessary guide to not being a jerky Apple Watch owner. You owe it to your watchless brethren to rise above our obsession with boutique luxury technology and remain respectful, functioning human beings that exist, first and foremost, in the tangible world. You owe it to everyone not to be a Watchbag.